


Breathe in, breathe out

by SidneySydney



Series: To love, and be loved in return [3]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Lance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PINING KEITH, Unreliable Narrator, pining lance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-27 20:48:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17169137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SidneySydney/pseuds/SidneySydney
Summary: Keith's having a bad day, and things only get worse after a badly timed encounter with Lance.





	Breathe in, breathe out

**Author's Note:**

> Note: Final edits still being made.

Keith generally doesn’t consider himself a bitter person. Broody, mopey, sulky and a bit of a loner, sure, all valid. But Keith isn’t one to cling to resentment. He finds it both useless and damming. He couldn’t even find it in himself to resent his mother for leaving him upon meeting her for the first time. Through his own experience he has simply come to learn that circumstances often dictate people’s lives in ways they can’t control.

So he learnt this: breathe in, breathe out, and let it go.

Still, upon seeing Allura touch Lance before their mission today, a hand against his shoulder, and then the way Lance wilted under her, Keith can’t help but feel the first burning of resentment in his chest.

He hates himself for it; but it only serves to make his jealousy burn hotter. It sears his veins and lungs, funnels its way up his throat and turns his words short and terse when he dishes out commands. It becomes especially obvious when Keith organises the search groups to ensure he is by himself. He just needs some time alone.

Lance gives him a pensive look when he announces the arrangement. ‘Shouldn’t you and I team up? Or at the very least you and Hunk? Long and short range teams, isn’t that the arrangement?’

Keith should just breathe in and out and let his emotions go. Agree with Lance and move on with the mission. Be an adult about it. He should —

‘I don’t recall asking your opinion on this, Lance. Stay out of it.’

_Fuck._

The group goes still. Hunk and Pidge begin to back away, clearly wanting no part in this, but Allura’s expression narrows in on Keith and Lance. In his ear, Shiro is telling Keith to make a decision and get started with the search.

Keith’s gaze settles on Lance, whose expression is flat and unreadable. ‘Fine,’ Lance says. ‘Whatever you say, _team leader_.’

God, if Keith didn’t already hate himself, he definitely does now. He looks away from Lance and begins walking towards the outskirts of the crash site. ‘I’ll look for the pilot’s pod this was in case they’ve been ejected.’ What he means is, _I don’t want to look you in the eye because I’m an idiot._

The mission continues in tense silence, Hunk and Pidge doing most of the talking, with Shiro and Veronica occasionally pitching in from the Atlas. Lance and Keith don’t say much unless it’s absolutely necessary, and it’s becoming distracting. Everyone is noticing it: the Paladins, the Atlas crew, Jesus even fucking Honerva herself could probably feel the tension radiating from Keith and Lance like a beacon. _Here we are!_ _We are so fucking dysfunctional!_ _Please have mercy and kill us!_

The mission is a success; they secure a sixth Altean from the Robeast. Hooray! But none of the Paladins are in the mood to celebrate. Keith is too bitter to pilot his way back to the Atlas, so he lets Black take over for him. He glances over to his right, looking for Red, but notices that the other lion is lagging behind with Blue.

Suddenly Keith can’t get back to the Atlas fast enough, and takes his controls in hand and pushes Black to top speed. He touches down in the hangers and is out of his lion before any of the others arrive. His body is on fire. He just needs to get out before the fire twining its way up his throat burns someone else.

He thinks he’s made it out just in time when stumbles into an unimpressed Shiro standing before him, arms crossed and his expression flat. ‘My office, now.’ He turns on his heel and begins to march away. Keith knows he has no choice but to follow. When he starts to do so he glances over his shoulder and sucks in a breath when he meets Lance’s icy gaze, who is just disembarking his lion. A cold moment passes between them and Keith shivers.

Then he fucks off as fast as he can.

He follows Shiro a few paces behind, sulking like a dog who’s been caught eating the couch yet again. He knows he’s in for a scolding. He knows it’s his own fault. And he knows he should have been more mature. But the bitterness in his heart has been a domino effect all day, and there is no way he can stop it now. It’s one thing after another, after another. Might as well embrace the fall.

Shiro enters his office and makes a beeline for his desk, settling into his chair and bracing his forearms against the table. He gestures for Keith to sit in the opposite chair. The silence is suffocating. Shiro had always been a master at making sure Keith stews in it long enough for it to become a punishment in itself.

So Keith breaks it. ‘Shiro, I know what you’re gonna say.’

Shiro’s expression doesn’t change, but he leans back into his chair. ‘Humour me.’

Keith crosses his arms and looks away. ‘You’re acting out of line, Keith. You’re being impulsive, Keith. You’re putting the team at risk, Keith. You can’t let your emotions get the better of you like that, Keith. That’s not how a leader works, Keith. I _know_. I know I messed up. I’ll do better.’

Keith knows Shiro trusts him as Voltron’s leader, but he also knows sometimes Shiro can’t help but meddle. Still watches over Keith’s shoulder to make sure he doesn’t screw up. It’s in his nature. It’s what had Keith running off The Blade in the first place; he couldn’t stand the meddling, the anxiety of always letting Shiro down.

Shiro is silent for a few moments, and Keith can feel his eyes scanning over him. Then, ‘Good. So I can skip straight to the next part.’ Keith glances back at him in surprise. ‘You’re in love with Lance.’

Keith’s stomach drops, but he schools his face as best he can. ‘I’m not.’

‘You are. I can see it.’  

‘Then you need glasses. There’s nothing between us.’

‘Don’t lie to me, Keith.’

‘I’m not lying.’

‘Then what are you doing?’

‘I’m _deflecting_.’

Shiro makes a face, and Keith knows he’s been caught.

‘What’s that now?’ Shiro says.

‘I’m deflecting because I don’t wanna talk about my stupid heart’s stupid feelings with my stupid brother. There.’

Keith sees Shiro’s hand shift and then hears the click as the door behind him locks itself. Shiro smiles like he didn’t just seal Keith into a literal prison. ‘It appears like you don’t have a choice.’

Keith sinks into his chair and blows out a breath through clenched teeth.

Shiro reaches out with his human hand and settles it on Keith’s shoulder. His eyes turn earnest when he speaks. ‘It also looks like you could really do with a good chat.’

 

 

 

 

Turns out Shiro is right. A good chat did help ease the burning in his chest. He doesn’t feel completely better, but he does feel like he’s emptied most of the vile and toxic things inside himself and can finally breathe again. After two hours with Shiro, he’s finally granted permission to leave, Shiro unlocking the door and then ruffling Keith’s hair up with a smile.

‘I know it’s hard, but next time please try and leave this stuff out of the mission. And if you ever need to talk, my door’s always open.’

Keith rubs his arm and looks away. ‘Thanks, Shiro. Dunno what I’d do without you.’

Shiro’s grin goes sideways. ‘You’d figure it out by yourself eventually. You always do.’

Keith returns to his room in much greater spirits, though he’s still feeling a little raw inside. He changes into a loose pair of pants and shirt. He knows he needs to talk to Lance sooner than later, so after psyching himself up with a few push ups, he emerges from his room.

He’s greeted with Lance’s icy eyes and has restrain himself from automatically hitting him. He holds his hands to his chest and lets out a breath. ‘God, Lance, you scared the shit out of me.’

Lance’s cold expression doesn’t shift, but his arms fold over his chest. He’s wearing his blue and white shirt and pair of trousers that are both unusually wrinkled. ‘Did I do something to you? Do you have a problem with me I need to know about?’

Keith leans his hand against the door’s frame and gives Lance a guilty look. ‘No, no, you did nothing wrong. I was just —’

‘Because I get the feeling I must’ve done something really shitty to deserve that kind of slap in the face from before.’ His face remains stony, but Keith can hear the real hurt in his voice.

‘Lance, I’m sorry. I was just in a bad mood, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.’

‘No shit.’ Lance’s shoulders droop a little. ‘Look, I get that this isn’t easy on you. We’re all under a lot of pressure. But I don’t appreciate being shoved aside like that. I dealt with enough of that when Kuron was at the helm, and the last person I expected it from is you. If you have something you need to say to me, say it to my face. Don’t humiliate me in front of the team _and_ the Atlas crew. You know how hard I’ve worked to get people to actually take me seriously.’

Keith hangs his head and presses his thumb and forefinger into his brow. ‘I know. I know. I’ll keep my baggage out of future missions, I promise. It was just—after seeing Allura touch you out in the open like that…’

Lance reels back like Keith slapped him. ‘ _That’s_ what this is about. You’re mad that my girlfriend touched me?’ He shakes his head. ‘You’re the one who has been pushing me towards her the entire time! “Nadia needs James more than Kinkade does.” They’re your own fucking words, Keith. What do you want me to do?’

Keith feels the burn in his chest again, feels it thrumming through his veins and into his head. He pushes forwards into Lance’s space. ‘I know what I said. But I’m only human, and sometimes it _hurts_ , Lance. Sometimes…’ He grasps for the right words, and when he finds none he resorts to their cheap analogy. ‘Sometimes when Kinkade sees Nadia and James like that he can’t help but feel resentment and jealousy. Because he knows he’ll never be able to do those things. Never be able to show the universe how he feels. He’s _never_ been able to love someone in front of everyone.’

Lance scoffs. ‘What, so James should just be with neither of them? That way at least everyone is equally miserable.’ Lance jabs a finger into Keith’s chest. Keith has the urge to grab it and snap it. ‘It’s fairer that way, right?’

‘No,’ Keith mutters. He feels something burn inside him again, but in a different way, in the back of his eyes and throat. ‘I’m not saying that. I’m just saying that sometimes James hates himself for being too late. For missing out. For being a coward. Because sometimes James needs Kinkade as much as Nadia needs him.’ His voice shatters at the end, and soon the tears begin to follow, falling over his cheeks and splattering on the floor. He’s been cracked wide open now, so he reaches out and grasps Lance’s shirt between his hands like he can funnel what he’s feeling into the other boy. ‘And now he’s lost.’ 

With his head pressed in towards Lance’s chest, he can’t see the other boy’s reaction, but he does hear the way his breathing picks up. Then he feels a hand at the back of his head. It’s hesitant, but at least there. ‘Too late?’ Lance asks.

It hurts to speak. ‘I was going to ask you out. On our final night on Earth. I kept psyching myself out though. That’s why I was sulking out on Black when you found me.’

Lance’s breath stills. ‘Oh. Oh _God_ , Keith. Why didn’t you tell me that in all this time?’

‘I didn’t want you to doubt yourself. To doubt Allura.’ His voice his muffled against Lance’s chest.

Lance begins to rock them a little form side to side. Keith wants to tell him he’s not a baby, but it’s soothing so he stays quiet. ‘I’ve already been doubting myself at every turn. Nothing’s gonna change that.’ Lance pauses, his hand carding itself way through Keith’s hair. ‘I’m sorry I yelled at you. I acted like a dick head.’

Keith shakes his head. ‘I deserved it.’

‘No you didn’t.’

Keith draws away from Lance so he can look at him. He notices that Lance’s eyes are as wet as his are. He also sees the way they drop down from Keith’s eyes to his…

Oh.

Lance’s brow tightens. ‘ _Hypothetically_ , if James asked Kinkade for just as single kiss, just to experience it for one moment, what do you think Kinkade would say? Because James doesn’t think he can live without at least…knowing what it would be like. Do you think it’s unfair on Kinkade? And Nadia?’

Keith knows his answer should be a solid no. Knows it will only make things worse for the three of them but, instead, he says, ‘Kinkade would say yes. He’s never been able to say no to James before anyway.’

And that clinches it.

Lance leans in and kisses Keith with a delicate hand on his cheek. Keith falls into it, into Lance, who moves to press Keith back into the edge of the door. He braces himself with a hand above Keith, and the other draws circles over his cheek. Keith feels himself burn where Lance’s fingers drag over his skin, and wraps his own hands around Lance’s neck. It’s slow and warm; it’s one, two, three, four, five before Keith loses track. He clings to it.

There’s a sharp metallic noise followed by hushed voices behind them and they spring apart, Keith wrapping a hand around Lance’s waist to push him behind himself. To the emptiness, Keith demands, ‘Who’s there?’

From around a corner emerges a red-faced Nadia and distraught looking Kinkade. Then, the camera that Kinkade has been filming with all day. Keith feels the blood drain from his face and Lance’s head drops against the back of his shoulder. ‘Fuck,’ he whispers into Keith’s shirt.

‘You can say that again,’ Nadia starts, her stance turning wide and defensive. ‘First, Lance, I can’t believe you’re cheating on Allura, but then again am I really surprised? Here’s a clue: I’m not.’

Lance flinches behind Keith and he feels anger swell inside himself.

‘Second,’ Nadia continues relentlessly, ‘what the shit are you talking about? James is not in love with either me or Kinkade. What. The fuck.’

‘And we’re definitely not in love with him,’ Kinkade contributes, scratching the back of his neck.

‘It’s an analogy,’ Lance says from behind Keith. ‘Neither of us want to face our feelings directly because we’re emotionally stunted, so we’re using your names so it’s easier to talk about.’

‘That makes no sense,’ Nadia says.

‘Neither does why the two of you are snooping around filming people’s private conversations,’ Keith bites back. He slips his hand into Lance’s and squeezes. If they are about to be outed as traitors then they’re going  down together. ‘Yet here we are.’

‘I tried to stop her,’ Kinkade defends, waving his hands. ‘But she’s…persistent.’

‘And not in love with James!’ Nadia adds.

Kinkade nods. ‘Likewise.’

‘We get it!’ Lance and Keith say together.

‘Look,’ Keith begins, trying to rein in his anger and panic. He needs to tread carefully. ‘We know this looks bad. We _know_. But you don’t understand, this is more complicated than you think. This is the only time we’ve ever…ya know. And it’s the last time.’

Nadia and Kinkade don’t look convinced.

Keith swallows against his dry throat and Lance’s hand tightens in his.

‘Please,’ Lance says, ‘Please delete the footage and keep this to yourselves. It’s complicated but we’re just trying to figure it out so no one gets hurt. I’d never hurt Allura, you know that.’

‘Do I?’ Nadia’s hands go to her hips.

‘ _Yes._ You do. I might be dumb. I might be dramatic, sensitive and a desperate show off. But I’m _not_ a cheater.’ Lance’s voice is hoarse, and when Keith turns to get a better look of his face he sees that he’s about a second away from a full-blown meltdown.

Nadia and Kinkade stare at Keith and Lance a moment longer, the stupid, fucking camera hovering obnoxiously by their shoulders, which Keith wants to put his fist through. But he can only wait and pray to every god there is that they’ll show mercy.

Eventually, Kinkade’s expression turns sympathetic and the rigidness in his shoulders dissipates. He turns to Nadia. ‘We had no business videoing their conversation in the first place. We should stay out of it. I trust them to do the right thing.’

Nadia’s eyes are still razor thin. ‘You sure?’

Kinkade puts a hand on her shoulder. ‘I’m sure.’ He turns to Keith and Lance. ‘I’ll delete the footage.’

‘Do it now, in front of both of us so I know I can trust you,’ Keith says, not completely convinced yet.

Kinkade plucks the camera out of the air and walks over to them, then flips it around so Lance and Keith can watch him delete the footage. Once it’s done, Keith can feel the way Lance relaxes behind him. Keith crosses his arms and looks Nadia and Kinkade each in the eyes. They both wince under his gaze.

‘Great,’ he says. ‘Are we done here now?’

‘We’re done,’ Kinkade agrees. He grabs Nadia’s arm when he begins to walk away and tugs her along with him. ‘Sorry to intrude.’

‘Just remember we have our eyes on you now,’ Nadia calls. ‘And we’re not in love with James!’

The moment the two MFE pilots disappear around the corner Lance very nearly collapses on the spot. If it wasn’t for his proximity to Keith he would have. But as it is, Keith turns and catches Lance under the armpits, then drags them both behind the entry and slams the control panel to shut the door.

They break apart and take a couple steps back from each other, both on one side of the door. Lance’s position reflects Keith’s own—arms crossed, head down. They stand in silence for a few long, suffocating moments.

‘You know we don’t think you’re dumb, right? Or dramatic, or sensitive, or a show off,’ Keith says, breaking the silence.

Lance’s hands tighten on his biceps.

‘And Nadia’s just being a defensive snob calling you a cheater,’ Keith continues, feeling uncomfortable with the radio silence he’s getting from Lance and desperate to fill it somehow. ‘Don’t listen to her. She’ll get over it.’

Lance still doesn’t say anything.

‘Lance?’ Keith prompts. He leans forward to peer at Lance’s expression, but the other boy’s face is shrouded in shadows.

Finally: ‘This has to stop.’ Lance looks up at Keith. His eyes are haunted. ‘We have to stop this, Keith. We can’t…we can’t keep dancing around each other like this. It’s hurting you. It’s hurting me. And eventually it’s going to hurt Allura. God, we can’t even be around each other without causing a scene.’

Keith is appalled. ‘Lance, hold on a second —’

‘You can’t lead Voltron with me always at your side like some kind of tick —’

‘I can lead fine —’

Lance is pacing back and forth now. ‘Maybe if I step down, you take Red, Shiro takes Black again. I can assist with Veronica on the Atlas —’

Keith’s annoyance flares. ‘God, Lance, not this again. The Atlas doesn’t fly without Shiro and Voltron doesn’t work without you. Stop trying to kick yourself off the team because you’re self-conscious.’

‘Then what are we going to do, Keith?’ Lance breaks at last, his voice loud and frantic. His eyes are shining as they glare at Keith. ‘Because _this_ isn’t working for anyone. We can’t work together, and we’re gonna get caught again and next time we won’t be so lucky.’

Keith crosses the room and collapses onto his bed, putting his head in his hands. His voice is small when he says, ‘I don’t know. I wish I did.’

Lance goes to sit in Keith’s desk chair, and Keith winces when he sees the way Lance has scratched around his nails. The skin has turned blotchy and red, and in some places is even bleeding. He’s turned away from Keith towards the door.

‘Eight years ago,’ Lance begins again, his voice much less frantic, but worse because now it sounds dead, ‘my dad cheated on my mum with a woman he worked with. That’s why when Nadia accused me of cheating I just —’ he makes a vague gesture with his hands, ‘ya know.’

Keith swallows against the lump in his throat. ‘I didn’t know that,’ Keith admits. ‘I’m sorry.’

Lance shrugs. ‘Not really something I want to parade around. Dirt bag dad isn’t a good rep.’

‘Yeah…’ Keith picks at a loose thread in his blanket. ‘I don’t want to overstep, but can I ask why she’s still with him?’

Lance laughs bitterly. ‘Because they had a family to raise. Because she loved him, and she wanted to give him a second chance. He hasn’t broken it yet, but I always find myself waiting for it to happen.’ Lance starts picking at his fingers again. ‘I’ve always thought he was a dirt bag for what he did, but I guess that makes me the dirt bag now, too. Letting Allura down. Letting you down. The one thing I’ve always wanted above anything else was love—to love, to be loved—but it turns out I can’t even do that right. “Lover Boy Lance” huh? What a cosmic joke.’

Keith aches at the barren tone of Lance’s voice. ‘We’ll figure it out. Everything will be okay,’ he assures, but he doesn’t feel the words. ‘You’re not a dirt bag. How could you possibly be a dirt bag when you’re giving so much of yourself to others?’

‘Keith,’ Lance says, his bitter smile growing worse. And Keith feels like he losing him. ‘You’re too selfless for your own good, you know that? It’ll only hurt you.’

Keith feels helpless. Helpless like when he watched his father run back into that burning building. Helpless like when Iverson broke him the news about Shiro. Helpless like when Kuron burned this scar into his cheek and spat in his face that all his family was dead. He touches the scar now as he stares into the empty space between him and Lance.

This is what true separation is. When the person you hold most dear to you is right in front of you, when they’re falling apart before your very eyes, yet all you can do is watch.

He breathes in, he breathes out. But the pain doesn’t cease.


End file.
